Dear Evangeline,
This past year has been the
biggest roller coaster ride of my life, marred with the highest of highs and
lowest of lows. Your daddy and I
were so thrilled when we found out that you were growing in my belly, but our love for you began even before that
day. As the weeks passed and we
got glimpses of your sweet, tiny body on ultrasound and heard your strong
little heart beating, we grew more and more enamored with you. Then one day back in July, a 1 in 6000
chance turned into our walk. We
were the ONE! Your daddy and
I never even considered for a second to turn our backs on you and we knew that
we were given the great and precious responsibility to love you wholly for
every moment of your life- no matter how long or short it may be. This diagnosis made me rethink so many
things and your little life growing inside me inspired me to pour out all my
love and hold nothing back for Riley, Scarlett, John and all the relationships in my life. Last Saturday, the day you were born, I
was shocked and scared and I wished that you could have stayed inside the
safety of my womb for a few more months.
But when I took you in my arms, I was overwhelmed with complete love and
adoration and I couldn’t take my eyes off of you. You were so tiny and helpless. With underdeveloped lunges, your sweet little face was a
little purple but you kept on fighting, working for every breath you took. I cherished every second I got to spend
with you.
Before you were born, many of
my thoughts would hover around all
the hopes and prayers I had for you.
I had hoped that you would be a well tempered baby and toddler. I prayed that you would be
healthy. I hoped that in school
you would be driven and smart. I
mourned as I realized that these would not have a chance to play out. But at the time of your passing, when I
knew that you were no longer with me and now in the arms of our Lord I rejoiced
that my biggest prayer had been answered.
As a parent I hoped and prayed that one day you would find a saving
salvation through knowing Jesus Christ. And I know that you are there with Him now.
In the past couple of weeks,
I have had a number of people suggest the book, Heaven is for Real (by Todd
Burpo). We got it just the other
day and last night I decided to open it up and read the prologue. It was of a family who was driving by a
hospital where an emergency surgery a year before almost claimed the life of
their 3, almost 4 year old son. As they drove past, they were trying to light heartedly
joke about the trip with the son and through this dialog, the boy begins to
reveal his memories of his hospital stay to his parents. He recalled angels singing at the
request of Jesus, to calm the scared child and when prompted about Jesus, he
matter of factly recounted that he sat on the lap of Jesus while these angels
sang. He recalled what he saw his
parents doing while he was under anesthesia during the surgery which had
shocked his parents since they were not in the operating room and their son
knew where both of them were, even though they were in separate rooms alone. I bawled, of course reading this
detailed account of this little boy but what comfort that brought me. I knew it! I was right!
Every night when I pray that God kiss you and hug you and show you the
love that I physically can not do anymore, how awesome is it to know that you
are in the arms of Jesus and His love is far greater than anything I have ever
known.
You have made such a giant
impact on my life, Evangeline Faith and I just praise God for allowing me to be
your mommy. I look forward to
seeing you, whole and perfect, without sickness, or disease or disorder, one
day when God takes me home.
Love,
Your Mommy
