This past year has been the biggest roller coaster ride of my life, marred with the highest of highs and lowest of lows. Your daddy and I were so thrilled when we found out that you were growing in my belly, but our love for you began even before that day. As the weeks passed and we got glimpses of your sweet, tiny body on ultrasound and heard your strong little heart beating, we grew more and more enamored with you. Then one day back in July, a 1 in 6000 chance turned into our walk. We were the ONE! Your daddy and I never even considered for a second to turn our backs on you and we knew that we were given the great and precious responsibility to love you wholly for every moment of your life- no matter how long or short it may be. This diagnosis made me rethink so many things and your little life growing inside me inspired me to pour out all my love and hold nothing back for Riley, Scarlett, John and all the relationships in my life. Last Saturday, the day you were born, I was shocked and scared and I wished that you could have stayed inside the safety of my womb for a few more months. But when I took you in my arms, I was overwhelmed with complete love and adoration and I couldn’t take my eyes off of you. You were so tiny and helpless. With underdeveloped lunges, your sweet little face was a little purple but you kept on fighting, working for every breath you took. I cherished every second I got to spend with you.
Before you were born, many of my thoughts would hover around all the hopes and prayers I had for you. I had hoped that you would be a well tempered baby and toddler. I prayed that you would be healthy. I hoped that in school you would be driven and smart. I mourned as I realized that these would not have a chance to play out. But at the time of your passing, when I knew that you were no longer with me and now in the arms of our Lord I rejoiced that my biggest prayer had been answered. As a parent I hoped and prayed that one day you would find a saving salvation through knowing Jesus Christ. And I know that you are there with Him now.
In the past couple of weeks, I have had a number of people suggest the book, Heaven is for Real (by Todd Burpo). We got it just the other day and last night I decided to open it up and read the prologue. It was of a family who was driving by a hospital where an emergency surgery a year before almost claimed the life of their 3, almost 4 year old son. As they drove past, they were trying to light heartedly joke about the trip with the son and through this dialog, the boy begins to reveal his memories of his hospital stay to his parents. He recalled angels singing at the request of Jesus, to calm the scared child and when prompted about Jesus, he matter of factly recounted that he sat on the lap of Jesus while these angels sang. He recalled what he saw his parents doing while he was under anesthesia during the surgery which had shocked his parents since they were not in the operating room and their son knew where both of them were, even though they were in separate rooms alone. I bawled, of course reading this detailed account of this little boy but what comfort that brought me. I knew it! I was right! Every night when I pray that God kiss you and hug you and show you the love that I physically can not do anymore, how awesome is it to know that you are in the arms of Jesus and His love is far greater than anything I have ever known.
You have made such a giant impact on my life, Evangeline Faith and I just praise God for allowing me to be your mommy. I look forward to seeing you, whole and perfect, without sickness, or disease or disorder, one day when God takes me home.