Thursday, October 6, 2011

Dear Evangeline


Dear  Evangeline,

This past year has been the biggest roller coaster ride of my life, marred with the highest of highs and lowest of lows.  Your daddy and I were so thrilled when we found out that you were growing in my belly, but  our love for you began even before that day.  As the weeks passed and we got glimpses of your sweet, tiny body on ultrasound and heard your strong little heart beating, we grew more and more enamored with you.  Then one day back in July, a 1 in 6000 chance turned into our walk.  We were the ONE!   Your daddy and I never even considered for a second to turn our backs on you and we knew that we were given the great and precious responsibility to love you wholly for every moment of your life- no matter how long or short it may be.  This diagnosis made me rethink so many things and your little life growing inside me inspired me to pour out all my love and hold nothing back for Riley, Scarlett, John and all the relationships in my life.  Last Saturday, the day you were born, I was shocked and scared and I wished that you could have stayed inside the safety of my womb for a few more months.  But when I took you in my arms, I was overwhelmed with complete love and adoration and I couldn’t take my eyes off of you.  You were so tiny and helpless.  With underdeveloped lunges, your sweet little face was a little purple but you kept on fighting, working for every breath you took.  I cherished every second I got to spend with you. 

Before you were born, many of my thoughts would  hover around all the hopes and prayers I had for you.  I had hoped that you would be a well tempered baby and toddler.  I prayed that you would be healthy.  I hoped that in school you would be driven and smart.  I mourned as I realized that these would not have a chance to play out.  But at the time of your passing, when I knew that you were no longer with me and now in the arms of our Lord I rejoiced that my biggest prayer had been answered.  As a parent I hoped and prayed that one day you would find a saving salvation through knowing Jesus Christ.  And I know that you are there with Him now.

In the past couple of weeks, I have had a number of people suggest the book, Heaven is for Real (by Todd Burpo).  We got it just the other day and last night I decided to open it up and read the prologue.  It was of a family who was driving by a hospital where an emergency surgery a year before almost claimed the life of their 3, almost 4 year old son. As they drove past, they were trying to light heartedly joke about the trip with the son and through this dialog, the boy begins to reveal his memories of his hospital stay to his parents.  He recalled angels singing at the request of Jesus, to calm the scared child and when prompted about Jesus, he matter of factly recounted that he sat on the lap of Jesus while these angels sang.  He recalled what he saw his parents doing while he was under anesthesia during the surgery which had shocked his parents since they were not in the operating room and their son knew where both of them were, even though they were in separate rooms alone.  I bawled, of course reading this detailed account of this little boy but what comfort that brought me.  I knew it!  I was right!  Every night when I pray that God kiss you and hug you and show you the love that I physically can not do anymore, how awesome is it to know that you are in the arms of Jesus and His love is far greater than anything I have ever known. 

You have made such a giant impact on my life, Evangeline Faith and I just praise God for allowing me to be your mommy.  I look forward to seeing you, whole and perfect, without sickness, or disease or disorder, one day when God takes me home.

Love,
Your Mommy






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10 comments:

Anonymous said...

Cheyenne - You are an amazing woman - and I am sure that if little Evangeline could write you a letter - she would tell you how very proud she is of you and how deep her love for you runs. You have provided so much strength through this journey to people you have probably never met - you and John are amazing people - your children are blessed in so many ways to have you as their parents. God bless you as you and your family continue this journey - you are a true inspiration. Kim Peer

Kat said...

*tears*

Michelle Ruschman said...

Cheyenne, my new friend~

I was so grateful that we had the opportunity to be present with your family last night as we acknowledged the power of Evangeline's life. Even though I didn't have the privilege of meeting her, I don't think I will ever forget her. She has blessed me with a new appreciation for my own daughter even when I didn't think it was possible to love her MORE. I'm not on the computer as much, I have more patience and it makes me more determined to appreciate every second God allows me to be her mother. I have Evangeline to thank for that.

I also appreciated the light of God's love that shined through each member of your family last night. You are a witness of God's grace and the faith you and John exhibit is SUCH a gift to all of us. Again, a testimony to the power of Evangeline's life.

What also spoke to me last night was your mention of Heaven is For Real. My dad passed away on June 5th from brain and lung cancer and one of the precious moments God allowed for Dad and I to have was keeping my dad conscious long enough one night for me to read him that book cover to cover. Like you, I watched a loved one pass into the arms of Jesus a short time after that. I miss him terribly but I find comfort in knowing we WILL honor our loved ones by being a little MORE in this life before we are all reunited again.

Please know that your MOPS family is just a phone call or email away and it would be a privilege to serve your family in anyway.

Warmest blessings~
Michelle Ruschman

Chey's Dad said...

You have taken a tragic situation, and turned it into a poignant, bitter-sweet love letter. Just when I think I know all about you, you totally amaze me with a new dimension on a much higher plain. I wish that every mom who has lost a beloved child could read your letter.
I love you!
Dad

Christy Judd said...

Chey-

Oh my. I can't even see the screen right now as my eyes are so blurry. I read your beautiful letter and then reread it to Matt, although it took me a bit longer as I had to take tissue breaks quite frequently. I may be far away, but I love you so much and thank you for how you have inspired me. You are amazing.

WiezySchork said...

Cheyenne: I found your blog through Facebook, and I'm glad I did. I love seeing your family, and reading about your adventures. Your letter to your daughter is so touching and raw. Your faith and love for your family is so evident in that letter. I've been praying for your family since I read your blog a few days ago. You are a wonderful person, wife, and mother. God continue to bless you and your family. Now there is an angel that looks over your family everyday.

Amy Wiezorek Schork

Tasha said...

My heart and my prayers go out to you and your family. May you find peace and comfort in the realization on your baby angel sleeping peacefully in His arms. xoxo.

Trav said...

Very touching Chey

JonandLo said...

Chey, I know too that someday you will be reunited with your sweet little Evangeline and what a perfect reunion it will be! love you

Gail @ Sophisticated Steps said...

I don't think I've ever commented before, though I found your blog a few months back or so. I guess I feel awkward as a complete stranger and I would never want to make you uncomfortable. But, we serve the same Lord and I want you to know that now and in the days ahead as God brings you to my mind, I will keep you and your family in my prayers. This was so beautiful and I can only imagine how difficult to write. The strength you are showing to even post this, I know, only comes from Him.

I have read that book (amazing!) and I'm so glad you have now read it. What comfort to know your sweet girl is with the One who loves her and made her.

Praying God's peace and comfort for you.

Romans 8:28 - "And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose for them."